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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Right
Lane
Mind
Lanes
Would
Park
Parks
Passings
Passing
Honor
Anyone

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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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