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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Honor
Anyone
Right
Lane
Mind
Lanes
Would
Park
Parks
Passings
Passing
More quotes by Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
