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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Parks
Passings
Passing
Honor
Anyone
Right
Lane
Mind
Lanes
Would
Park
More quotes by Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
