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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Even
Snakes
Afraid
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
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I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright