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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Afraid
Humor
Funny
Even
Snakes

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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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