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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Snakes
Afraid
Humor
Funny
Even

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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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