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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Snakes
Afraid
Humor
Funny
Even

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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright