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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Miles
Size
Says
Mile
United
Equals
States
Maps
Originals
Original

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright