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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Maps
Originals
Original
Miles
Size
Says
United
Mile
States
Equals

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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