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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Miles
Size
Says
United
Mile
States
Equals
Maps
Originals
Original

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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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