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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Maps
Originals
Original
Miles
Size
Says
United
Mile
States
Equals

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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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