Quote

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Friend
Didn
Years
Winnie
Procrastinator
Eight
Mark
Friendship
Birth

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
Image
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
Image
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
Image
I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
Image
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
Image
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
Image
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
Image
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
Image
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
Image
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
Image
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
Image
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
Image
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
Image
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
Image
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright