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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Birth
Friend
Didn
Years
Winnie
Procrastinator
Eight
Mark
Friendship

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright