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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Didn
Winnie
Years
Procrastinator
Eight
Mark
Friendship
Birth
Friend

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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