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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Friendship
Birth
Friend
Didn
Years
Winnie
Procrastinator
Eight
Mark

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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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