Quote

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Else
Standing
Light
Instead
Stills
Changed
Still
Technology
Looks
Funny
Strobe
Like
Everyone
Headlights
Science
Lights
Night
Drive

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright