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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Like
Everyone
Headlights
Science
Lights
Night
Drive
Else
Standing
Light
Instead
Stills
Changed
Still
Technology
Looks
Funny
Strobe
More quotes by Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I took a baby shower.
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