Quote

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Looks
Funny
Strobe
Like
Everyone
Headlights
Science
Lights
Night
Drive
Else
Standing
Light
Instead
Stills
Changed
Still
Technology

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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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