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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Band
Naked

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright