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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Naked
Band

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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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