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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Band
Naked

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright