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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yeah
Read
Everything
Believe

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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