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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yeah
Read
Everything
Believe

More quotes by Steven Wright

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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright