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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yeah
Read
Everything
Believe

More quotes by Steven Wright

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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright