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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yeah
Read
Everything
Believe

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright