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Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Schedules
Toys
Train

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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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