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Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Schedules
Toys
Train

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright