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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Schedules
Toys
Train
More quotes by Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright