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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wait
Humor
Wasn
Waiting
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright