Quote

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Wait
Humor
Wasn
Waiting

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
Image
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
Image
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
Image
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
Image
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
Image
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
Image
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
Image
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
Image
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
Image
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
Image
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
Image
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
Image
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
Image
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
Image
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
Image
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright