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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wait
Humor
Wasn
Waiting
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright