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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wasn
Waiting
Funny
Wait
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright