Quote

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Throw
Yard
Humor
Yards
Head
Wood
Funny
Lift
House
Scare
Tell
Lifts
Kids
Neighborhood
Made
Woods

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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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