Quote

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Lift
House
Scare
Tell
Lifts
Kids
Neighborhood
Made
Woods
Throw
Yard
Humor
Yards
Head
Wood

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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