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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Throw
Yard
Humor
Yards
Head
Wood
Funny
Lift
House
Scare
Tell
Lifts
Kids
Neighborhood
Made
Woods
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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