Quote

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Head
Wood
Funny
Lift
House
Scare
Tell
Lifts
Kids
Neighborhood
Made
Woods
Throw
Yard
Humor
Yards

More quotes by Steven Wright

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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright