Quote

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Yards
Head
Wood
Funny
Lift
House
Scare
Tell
Lifts
Kids
Neighborhood
Made
Woods
Throw
Yard

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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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