Quote

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
House
Cameras
Sandwiches
Around
Took
Neighbors
Thought
Humor
Lightning
Power
Went
Flash
Made
Face
Fifty
Way
Faces
Camera
Time
Funny
Neighbor
Use
Pictures
Sandwich

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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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