Quote

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Use
Pictures
Sandwich
House
Cameras
Sandwiches
Around
Took
Neighbors
Thought
Humor
Lightning
Power
Went
Flash
Made
Face
Fifty
Way
Faces
Camera
Time
Funny
Neighbor

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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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