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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
House
Cameras
Sandwiches
Around
Took
Neighbors
Thought
Humor
Lightning
Power
Went
Flash
Made
Face
Fifty
Way
Faces
Camera
Time
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Neighbor
Use
Pictures
Sandwich
More quotes by Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
