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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Took
Neighbors
Around
Humor
Lightning
Thought
Went
Flash
Power
Face
Fifty
Made
Faces
Camera
Way
Funny
Neighbor
Time
Pictures
Sandwich
Use
Cameras
Sandwiches
House
More quotes by Steven Wright
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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