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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
House
Cameras
Sandwiches
Around
Took
Neighbors
Thought
Humor
Lightning
Power
Went
Flash
Made
Face
Fifty
Way
Faces
Camera
Time
Funny
Neighbor
Use
Pictures
Sandwich
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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