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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hyper
Dull
Voice

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I had amnesia once or twice.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright