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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hyper
Dull
Voice

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright