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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Voice
Hyper
Dull

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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright