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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hyper
Dull
Voice

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright