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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hyper
Dull
Voice

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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright