Quote

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Another
Raises
Station
Wanted
Service
Gas
Self
Paid
Stations
Work
Gave
Quit
Made
Saws
Boss
Help
Quitting
Opportunity
Raise
Helping
Sign
Hired

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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright