Quote

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Self
Paid
Stations
Work
Gave
Quit
Made
Saws
Boss
Help
Quitting
Opportunity
Raise
Helping
Sign
Hired
Another
Raises
Station
Wanted
Service
Gas

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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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