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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Another
Raises
Station
Wanted
Service
Gas
Self
Paid
Stations
Work
Gave
Quit
Made
Saws
Boss
Help
Quitting
Opportunity
Raise
Helping
Sign
Hired
More quotes by Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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