Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Quitting
Help
Raise
Opportunity
Sign
Hired
Helping
Raises
Station
Another
Service
Gas
Wanted
Paid
Stations
Self
Gave
Quit
Work
Boss
Made
Saws
More quotes by Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright