Quote

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Work
Gave
Quit
Made
Saws
Boss
Help
Quitting
Opportunity
Raise
Helping
Sign
Hired
Another
Raises
Station
Wanted
Service
Gas
Self
Paid
Stations

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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I took a baby shower.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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