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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Zone
Away
Yesterday
Back
Entire
Areas
Car
Missing
Tow
Humor
Parked
Came
Area
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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