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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Back
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Areas
Car
Missing
Tow
Humor
Parked
Came
Area
Funny
Zone
Away
Yesterday

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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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