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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Missing
Tow
Humor
Parked
Came
Area
Funny
Zone
Away
Yesterday
Back
Entire
Areas
Car
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
