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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Back
Entire
Areas
Car
Missing
Tow
Humor
Parked
Came
Area
Funny
Zone
Away
Yesterday

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright