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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Parked
Came
Area
Funny
Zone
Away
Yesterday
Back
Entire
Areas
Car
Missing
Tow

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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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