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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Areas
Car
Missing
Tow
Humor
Parked
Came
Area
Funny
Zone
Away
Yesterday
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Entire
More quotes by Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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