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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Study
Funny
Milkman
Calcium
Anthropology
Received
Degree
Degrees
More quotes by Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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What do batteries run on?
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
