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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Degrees
Humor
Study
Funny
Milkman
Calcium
Anthropology
Received
Degree
More quotes by Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
