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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ems
Shoot
Women
Live

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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