Quote

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ems
Shoot
Women
Live

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
Image
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
Image
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
Image
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
Image
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
Image
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
Image
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
Image
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
Image
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
Image
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Image
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
Image
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
Image
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
Image
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Image
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
Image
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
Image
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright