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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Live
Ems
Shoot
Women

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright