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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Women
Live
Ems
Shoot

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright