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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Women
Live
Ems
Shoot

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright