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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Flashback
Premonition
Hindsight
Insightful
Realized
Future
Kind
Like
Premonitions
More quotes by Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright