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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Havens
Haven
Told
Since
Talk
Strangers
Father
Spoken
Never
Stranger
Ten

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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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