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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
Stranger
Ten
Havens
Haven
Told
Since
Talk
Strangers
Father
Spoken
More quotes by Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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