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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Haven
Told
Since
Talk
Strangers
Father
Spoken
Never
Stranger
Ten
Havens
More quotes by Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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